Tambourine Man…

My wife and I like to walk, and we’ve been walking together for more than twenty years.  It’s good exercise, and it gives us a chance to talk without the distractions of house chores, television, other people, the telephone, the iPod, and the multitude of other concerns that help keep some marriages together by allowing the parties involved to not fully realize who it is that they’ve partnered with.  But we really do like each other, so we walk and talk whenever we can, which is not all that often here in south Florida.  For at least six months of the year, it’s just too bloody awful hot.  And when it’s hot, we get the added benefit of clouds of gnats, and flying gangs of mosquitoes, each one the size of an armoire.  So we look forward to “walking season”, and walk we do.  And we’re not the only ones.  Lots of our fellow neighborhood residents walk as well.

We live in a nice, safe, friendly neighborhood on a small island.  There are about six hundred homes, a golf course, two parks, and the only access is by way of two small bridges.  So unless someone is visiting someone who lives on the island, whoever you see driving by probably resides here.  And the people driving by are one of the many things that we like to comment on to each other during our walks.  Some of the cars themselves are interesting.  We have on the island at least one Ferrari, a couple of Bentleys, and a high-end Aston Martin that purrs like a cat even at the illegally high speed at which it always seems to be traveling.  Most of  us who live here drive nice, normal, modest late model cars.  But some drive what in my grandfather’s day would be referred to as a “Jalopy”, in my father’s day, a “Heap.”

For years we used to see an old, rusted Cadillac.  We always saw it at the same time each evening.  When it was new it may have been yellow, but a combination of rust, a lack of maintenance, and many, many years of the relentless south Florida sun had rendered it a patchy, sickly shade of parchment, like the skin of a slightly jaundiced old man.  Even when it was getting too hot to walk, but before we realized that it was too hot to walk, we’d see this car with its windows rolled down.  Where we live there is only one excuse for driving with the windows down in the hot weather.  The air conditioner must not have worked.  The radio, however, worked just fine, and was always blaring what has come to be known as “Classic (old and passe) Rock” at a volume loud enough peel off what little paint this car still retained.

The driver and only occupant of this car was an elderly gentleman with gray hair combed back.  He wore a nondescript shirt.  Since we never saw him save but in his car, we never knew whether or not he wore pants.  But always, without exception, he loudly sang along with the radio, almost yelling the words as he drove by.  But that’s not all he did.  While he drove and sang, he accompanied himself on a tambourine, driving with his left hand, vigorously shaking the tambourine with his right (driving with both hands on the wheel is a highly overrated practice, uncommon here in south Florida) in time with the music.  We never saw him drive by without hearing the singing and the multiple “ting-ting-ting” sounds of his tambourine keeping the rhythm while announcing his approach and his departure through his perennially open car windows.  And we never saw him with another person in the car.  This went on for years.

We wanted to see where Tambourine Man lived.  Although most folks in our neighborhood keep up their houses fairly well, we were sure that the Tambourine Man’s house would be as derelict in appearance as his car.  But we never saw the car parked, and therefore never knew exactly where the Tambourine Man called home.  And then, we stopped seeing him.  We thought that he must have died, both because of his age, and because we couldn’t imagine anything else stopping him from doing what it was that he did with such regularity and such enthusiasm.  But we never really knew, and gradually we stopped talking about it, and eventually, we stopped thinking about it.  At least until last week.

I was out working in the front yard waiting for my wife to come home from her job at a local university, when a shiny, immaculate late model Cadillac rolled by.  It was a lovely shade of pale yellow.  The driver was a man who appeared to be in his early thirties.  It was one of those rare days here in south Florida that it is cool enough in the afternoon to drive with the windows open, so most everybody does.  And then I heard it…the singing accompanied by that characteristic “ting-ting-ting” sound of the tambourine.  I’m not a gambler, but I would bet that this young man is Tambourine Man’s son, although I have no way to know for sure.  I hope that I’m right.  I can’t imagine any other explanation.  I’ve only seen him once, so he may not even live on the island.  But that one sighting got me to thinking.  At some point in his life, this young man made the decision to sing and shake his tambourine while he drove.  He had to learn it somewhere.  On one hand, it’s silly, not to mention dangerous.  But on the other hand, how many of us have the capacity to fill the mundane moments of our day with such unbridled joy?  Maybe he learned it from his father…maybe not.  But either way, Tambourine Man is back in town.

A man could do worse in life than inheriting a tambourine from his father.

The Jokes Write Themselves…

It seems that most major cities have descriptive nicknames. Seattle is “The Emerald City”, Chicago is “The Windy City”, New York is “The Big Apple”, and so on. I live in Miami Beach, but all of us in this area think of Miami, just across the bridge, as our hometown. Miami has tried over the years to find a nickname. The Chamber of Commerce folks for decades now seem to favor “The Magic City,” but that really hasn’t caught on. Every time the Hotel and Visitor’s Bureau folks make another push for this, the residents fight back with names like “The Tragic City” or worse…MUCH worse. I like to call it “The City Where Good Taste Goes to Die” but for some odd reason that hasn’t caught on either. Since it’s a perfectly adequate description of the area, I can only surmise that it hasn’t caught on because it’s too long. So I have another, shorter name to pitch for this place…one that is unmatched in its straight-to-the-point accuracy. How about “The Land of Irony” ?

Irony seems as common in south Florida as wild giant pythons choking to death on alligators, or as common as goats being sacrificed in religious rituals, or as common as politicians’ children counterfeiting U.S. currency, or as common as the thud made by huge comatose iguanas as they fall from trees during cold spells, or as common as…well…you get the idea. This is one weird place, and I don’t know whether living here for so long has been an adventure or an embarrassment. But perhaps nothing characterizes this area more than a recent incident containing enough irony to supply our nation’s strategic irony reserves for years to come. Of course the best irony is never obvious at first. It takes a bit of mental analysis and some time during which the events marinate. Only then does the real and tasty irony emerge.

Miami International Airport routinely ranks as one of the worst in the nation. The rankings are too generous. Speaking of irony…when you fly out of Miami International you often have to walk farther from the parking lot to your flight than you would have had to walk from your home to the destination to which you are flying. The terminal looks like the waiting room in a nineteenth century Indian railway station, only the passengers are less well dressed. The only things missing are the farm animals in the open wooden crates. Rather than the crates, here in Miami livestock generally is carried on planes hidden in counterfeit Louis Vuitton handbags. This can include, but is in no way limited to, chickens, hogs, and small cattle. Miami International Airport is also ground zero for the smuggling of rare, endangered and just plain strange wildlife. Lizards, tortoises, birds, and all manner of creatures are routinely discovered in the undergarments of travelers, and usually not just one creature at a time, but dozens, even hundreds. If you see movement in the pants of the passenger seated next to you, it’s not a compliment…it’s probably just a few rare and colorful songbirds worth thousands in the pet trade (the chirping sound emanating from beneath the zipper is the giveaway). Ah…life in “America’s Tropics.” But I digress…

At Miami International Airport, like other airports around the nation, they take security VERY seriously. So seriously in fact that the airport was one of the first to receive the newest model of Full Body Image Scanners. These devices are quite controversial because they do just what the name suggests…they present the security screeners with a full body image to show if the passenger is carrying anything that might be a threat to safety on-board the plane. These became necessary when, last Christmas Day, a young man aboard an incoming flight attempted to ignite an explosive secreted in a highly personal location. So now, it’s no longer just the luggage or the pocket contents…the Transportation Security Administration needs to make sure that you don’t have C-4 packed into your underpants, or packed into what you have packed into your underpants. So…enter the Full Body Image Scanner. Literally. But this being America, everyone is absolutely convinced that everyone else is anxious to see them naked. And once again, on the subject of irony…the people most convinced that others would want to see them naked are, trust me here, the people that you would LEAST want to see naked. Last time I was at this airport, I did an unscientific research project on this subject. I sat in a chair and looked around to see if I saw anyone that I would want to see naked. I saw very few, and, having seen myself naked on numerous unfortunate occasions, I can assure you that I am unconcerned about my own personal modesty being violated for the “entertainment” of others. But apparently some people are still obsessed with this, so the Full Body Image Scanners have been configured so that they obscure the face of the person being scanned. All in all, this is a REALLY complicated and expensive ($130,000-$170,000 per unit) piece of machinery. And they are apparently not all that easy to operate.

When the scanners were delivered to Miami International Airport, the TSA began training its personnel to use them. They did not use passengers or volunteers in the training, but they used other TSA agents to substitute for the passengers. One of the agents they selected to substitute for passengers was 44-year-old Rolando Negrin. Well, dear readers, if you weren’t concerned about these scanners or about the professionalism of the TSA screeners before, you will be now. Apparently, according to those operating the scanner, who would be in a position to know, Mr. Negrin is, how shall I put this…somewhat lacking in the marital relations equipment department…and the Full Body Image Scanner revealed this unfortunate condition to Mr. Negrin’s fellow TSA “professionals.” And so the taunts, and the nicknames, and the other miscellaneous incidences of ridicule began, and reportedly grew more and more intense. And remember…these are the folks that we are trusting with our lives.

So Mr. Negrin, he of the recently-revealed endowment or the lack thereof, selected the person who he believed to be his primary tormentor, fellow TSA screener Hugo Osorno, 34. He waited for Osorno in the employee parking lot, and when Osorno arrived Negrin proceeded to beat the crap out of him…and…here comes the irony…Negin’s weapon of choice?…an expandable police baton…one that triples in length when you use it. In Miami, The Land of Irony, the jokes truly write themselves.