According to Central Intelligence Agency estimates, 60% of the world’s population lives on less than $2.00 per day per person. Meanwhile, here in the good old U. S. of A., we seem to be having a bit of an economic crisis of our very own…but that does not seem to have hurt the market for prosthetic pet testicles. Yes…you read that correctly…PROSTHETIC PET TESTICLES. And do these prosthetic testicles improve the health of your beloved pet? No. That is not their purpose. They are strictly for looks, just in case Fido or Mittens wants to appear like he used to before he was…you know…”altered.”
Welcome to the wonderful world of cosmetic surgery for animals. The name of the product is “Neuticles” and this product is available in a variety of sizes and materials (brass is not yet, so far as I can tell, an available option), for anything from cats and small dogs all the way through large dogs, and up to cattle and horses. The prices range from $114.00 per pair for “Original Neuticles” for a small cat to $1,299.00 per pair for “Ultraplus Neuticles” for a large dog (I have no real idea what constitutes “Ultraplus” but if they’re THAT GOOD I may want to order some for Christmas gifts). And remember, this does NOT include another expensive part of the process…the implantation procedure by your friendly neighborhood veterinarian. We’re talking BIG MONEY here folks.
And why would someone want to provide their pet with so many dollars worth of fake testicles? According to the company: “Neuticles allows your pet to retain his natural look, self esteem and aids in the trauma associated with neutering.” Now I’m no expert (actually I am, having been a psychology professor for thirty years) but I have yet to stumble upon the research demonstrating loss of self esteem as a problem for domestic and/or companion animals. How much self esteem can you actually have when you spend a good part of each day sniffing butts and licking yourself? And as for retaining “his natural look,” if your pet is cogent enough to realize that he looks different to you (or to his four-legged friends down at the dog park) after being neutered then you’ve got one really special doggie. If they ever do a version of Jeopardy for pets, you’ve got the winner right there at the end of your leash! I wonder if owners wanting to make their neutered dogs or cats look (or, heaven help us, feel) more powerful ask the vet to implant (install ???) Neuticles that are much larger than the recently removed “original equipment.”
Who would purchase such a product? The website has testimonials from satisfied customers, and the company claims that over a quarter of a million units have been sold. And that’s not all that they sell…they have a full line of Neuticles T-shirts, sweatshirts, and even…wait for it…ball caps. They also have, for $109.00, actual (size extra-small) Neuticles made into earrings. How about a pair of those as the perfect accessory for your next job interview? “Why Miss Jenkins…what LOVELY earrings. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything like them before, although they do resemble…wait a minute…are those Neuticles ???” The jokes write themselves.
Meanwhile, the Gates foundation has donated money to help prevent a catastophic eye disease common in children in underdeveloped nations. For just pennies per child, blindness can be prevented. Muhammad Yunus and his Grameen Bank received the 2006 Nobel Peace Prize for their pioneering work on microfinance, changing lives in the third world by providing business start-up loans as small as $20.00. For $28.00 per month you can sponsor a child through Save the Children. Or you can do something REALLY important…like getting fake balls for your pet.
No one loves animals more than I do. I carry a picture of my pet in my wallet. But we have to draw the line somewhere. The late televangelists Jim and Tammy Baker were universally excoriated over the wildly expensive air conditioned doghouse that they built for their pets. But compared to Neuticles, that air conditioned doghouse almost makes sense. Cosmetic surgery can restore the “natural look” to dogs and cats that have been neutered. What’s next…Botox for Shar Peis?
I can only think of one thing dumber than fake balls for pets…and that would be fake balls for trucks…oh wait…they have those too. Just Google TruckNutz and prepare yourself to be amazed (and don’t even get me started on BikerBallz for your motorcycle or bicycle). Only in America.
George W. Bush said “They hate us for our Freedom.” That may or may not be the case. But in a world where billions of people just barely survive (and in all too many cases do NOT survive), it’s no wonder that the economics of prosthetic pet testicles raises eyebrows. If I were a poor and struggling peasant in some faraway land, I too might take up arms against a culture where it is accepted (if not widely practiced) behavior to spend the equivalent amount to what it costs to support my entire family for several years…on a pair of fake dog balls. This is just another reason why the world hates us. They don’t hate us for our freedom; they hate us for our Neuticles.
ADDENDUM: Ultraplus Neuticles for a large dog…$1,299.00 plus medical costs. TruckNutz…$15.00 with no medical costs. Is it just me, or is there a really obvious solution here ???
