PLEASE FEEL FREE TO COPY THIS LITTLE SCREED, ALTER IT TO FIT YOUR INDIVIDUAL SITUATION, AND FORWARD IT TO YOUR FRIENDS. No need to thank me. I’m here to help. It’s what I do…
I am getting tired of telling people this because they don’t seem to listen. It may mean that they’re just not paying attention, or that they don’t care, or it may mean that what I am telling them runs counter to what they’ve been told by others or the way in which they were brought up. But like almost everything, my wife and I agree on this. And I can’t think of a better time to make this request than just after the holidays. Here goes…listen up now…STOP GIVING US GIFTS! Really…we’re not being disingenuous…stop it. Stop it now. No more gifts. Really.
Why, you may ask, are we asking this of you? We have a number of reasons. First and foremost…we have enough “stuff.” Way too much, really. We have so many things that we like, things with real aesthetic value and/or sentimental value, that we can’t display and enjoy them all. A lot of them are crammed away in cabinets, closets or drawers, and we only get to see them when we’re cleaning the house, or when we’re trying to find a place to stash some other item that we didn’t want or need that someone we like gave to us to commemorate a holiday or other special occasion, thereby instantly and magically imbuing it with the dreaded aforementioned “sentimental value.” So there it will sit on a crowded closet shelf, until that person comes to visit, when we will panic, unable to find the item, until we eventually do, and then have to figure out some way and some place to display it, or some way to show it being used…at least until the person who originally gave it to us has left, at which time we will once again relegate it to its rightful place back in the closet, unless that place has been taken by whatever unwanted item that same person has brought us this time, in which case the cramming process must begin anew. No…I am not entering a competition to create the longest grammatically correct sentence in the history of the English language, but this needs to be said.
RANDOM STUFF: It matters not whether you call them tchotchkes, bric-a-brac, collectibles or decorator items…we don’t want ‘em. Face it…we don’t have the same tastes, and this is not a bad thing. Our taste is no better than yours, just different. And even if we absolutely LOVE the item (unlikely though that may be) that you’re giving to us, we don’t have the room for it. How many of us have shelves or display cabinets filled with things that others have given us that we don’t really care all that much for, but which we are forced to display in case the giver “drops by?” Not to mention the stress and strain it causes when we are first given the item and we have to feign delight when what we really feel is, at best discomfort, at worst, revulsion. So if you like that porcelain figurine of a marmoset drinking a beer so much, put it in YOUR house. But if you give it to us, I’ll have to prove to you that I am pleased with it, even though “despise” is probably not a strong enough word. Don’t do this to us.
CLOTHES: We don’t like your taste in clothes, so don’t pick out our clothes for us. You don’t like our taste in clothes either. In reality, NO ONE likes anyone else’s taste in clothes. That’s why fashion magazines are as funny as they are. And in the odd case where you randomly do select something that one of us would actually wear (“even a broken clock tells the right time twice each day”), you’ll get the size wrong, and when we take it back to the store to get the correct size, they’ll be sold out of the item, so we’ll be stuck with an item that we like but can’t wear. Don’t do this to us.
FOOD: We have enough to eat…much too much, truth be told. And chances are pretty good that we don’t really like whatever food product you’re planning to give us. This is why most restaurants have many items on the menu, and people still can’t find something they want to order. And even if you give us a food product that we do like, the gift generally creates more problems than it solves. Right now in our house we have so much newly arrived chocolate that we are eating it at times of the day when no one in his or her right mind would ever consider eating such things. Creamy Chocolate Mint Truffles, delicious though they may be, are not part of a healthy breakfast. And even though I like to cook, I’ll select (and pay for) my own ingredients, and I’ll do so on my own timetable. I may not feel like cooking right now, but if the expensive and perishable food that you have given me is about to “go bad”, I’m stuck in the kitchen no matter if I want to be or not. Don’t do this to us.
WINE: I’ve never had a drink in my life. My wife drinks a little wine now and then, but she likes what she likes, and she likes very little. So most of the wine that we’re given we turn around and foist onto someone else. They in turn give it to someone else that they know, and so on. I’ve been all over the world, and I’m convinced that some gift bottles of wine are better traveled than I am. So if you like it, drink it, and if you don’t like it, pour it down the drain. But don’t give it to me. Don’t do this to us.
GIFT CARDS: Gift cards are neither gifts nor cards. We all know what they really are. They are money. Money is very nice, but we neither want nor do we (thank goodness) need your money. We are not shy. If we ever do want or need your money, we’ll ask you for it. But until that day comes, don’t do this to us.
HANDMADE CRAFT ITEMS: really? REALLY??? Don’t do this to us.
I could go on, but I think you get the idea. But now the question arises…what CAN you do to show your love and appreciation for us and for our friendship? Well…you can call us often, or make time in your busy schedule to visit us. You can invite us to visit you. We really will show up. You can send us a card or e-mail us, just to let us know that you are thinking of us. You can take the money that you would have spent on us and donate it to some worthwhile cause. We love you, and we trust you to do the right thing. Or you can adopt a pet, look in on an elderly neighbor, protect a child, volunteer your time, forgive someone for something, and so on. Don’t tell us about it. Just do it. Do it for us. Do it for yourself. Do it for us all. Those will be gifts worth both the getting and the giving.
So if you really love us as much as you claim that you do…now you know how to show it and how not to. And by the way, when you receive that porcelain figurine of the marmoset drinking a beer that I just sent you, remember…based on our long and exceedingly close relationship…I picked it out especially for you!
Agreed. I always give “experiences” for gifts–especially to children. They remember playing laser tag, or going innertubing, or having a special night with dinner and a movie much longer than they will remember some random toy. Time, in my opinion, is a valuable gift and when someone gives that to me, I am incredibly grateful.